F is for...

Frodo. What a little pisser. Now don't get me wrong, Lord of the Rings is great. Everything about the series is fantastic, it's just Frodo that gets on my nerves. It may just be Elijah Wood's portrayal of him that bugs the crap out of me. His face constantly looks as if he wants to cry. No matter what the little bastard does he will inevitably be in a state of peril longingly looking toward Gandalf or whoever to save the day, it really is unfortunate that such a useless twat should be in charge of such a great responsibility. If only someone with a pair of balls would have stumbled upon the ring first perhaps the whole episode could be over in one book. And what the fuck is up with their feet? Do they know nothing of personal grooming? It's enough to make one throw up in ones own mouth.

E is for...

Eminem. Well it's not because he's white, that's just ridiculous - i'm white. It's his general swagger, were he not to hold himself like such a twat we could have been friends. Maybe if he pulled his trousers up it wouldn't look as if someone without hands was using him as a hand puppet. And another thing, I have never seen another person hold a microphone in such a ridiculous fashion, were there a competition on holding microphones like a dick he'd win it hands down. Sort yourself out man, and stop whining about your mum. So what she didn't hug you enough, it's probably because you're a cunt. 

D is for...

Dr. Dolittle. First off, I am severely disappointed in Eddie Murphy. Considering this guy donned a purple leather suit and told some of the most offensively hilarious jokes in RAW, how can he bring himself to perform in such a tame and neutered film like Dr. Dolittle. The contrast between the two is so vast that it's almost violent. I for one must wear restraints lest I snap and go on another killing spree. Now onto the film, what a load of shit. The concept alone is infuriating enough that one must refrain from borrowing Phillip K. Dick's time machine and kicking Hugh Lofting repetitively in the crotch. A man who can talk to animals you say? Well back in my day this was what is known as being a nut job. Yet the directors managed to drag a further two films out of the franchise, making my quest for time travel more vigilant. And don't get me started on the Nutty Professor, insanity clearly being one of Murphy's recurring motives. I'm so disappointed in you man, you used to be cool. 

C is for...

Cooper, Bradley. Otherwise known as Bradley 'Oops Where Did My Shirt Go' Cooper. What an arrogant prick. In no way interpret this as a jealous attack. Sure he's pretty stacked, good for him, but the constant barrage of Cooper's hairy chest is a sight for sore eyes, and boy are my eyes sore. The guy is in every other movie, and fuck me side ways am I sick of him. His coquettish 'ard man with a sensitive side act is starting to become annoying. And by started, I mean constant from the start. And by annoying, I mean I want him no longer to live. Fuck you Bradley Cooper, and your shitty chest hair. And put on a fucking shirt.

B is for...

Breakdancers. The peacock of modern society. They scream 'look at me, look at me' as they move in an unnatural fashion. Had God intended us to move in such a ridiculous way, he'd have equipped us with some sort of organic lazy suzan. There's an annoyingly popular trend of singing and dancing, thanks to likes of Step Up And Be A Twat,  High School Shitsical, Pineapple Fucking Dance Studios to name a few. Sure you've got rhythm and what can be construed as talent, but your last chance of keeping your dignity flew out the window the second you donned your leg warmers and busted out the worm. Wankers.

A is for....

Affleck, Ben. I have long struggled to understand why it is exactly that I hate him so. I have now come to the conclusion that it is fact, his face. He has what is technically known as a punchable face. His constant smug look wouldn't be so abrasive with a couple of black eyes and a few missing teeth. And don't get me started on his so called acting. Phillip K. Dick would build a time machine, travel back to when he began writing Paycheck and cut off his own hands with a rusty bread knife, just to escape Afflecks piss poor attempt at being badass. The stick weilding prick. Up yours Affleck.